Where is my hair going???

I tried telling myself several times it wouldn't bother me.  I tried, I tried, I tried!!!

The thing is...



It does bother me.

What? you may ask.

It's seems so silly to me.  I feel ashamed that this bothers me, but damn it, it does bother me.  I hate it...  I'm losing my hair.  I have always had tons of hair.  It has always been fine,  but I have always had LOTS and LOTS of it.  So when I am  in the tub or shower washing my hair, why does it bother me so much that so much of it seems to be falling out?  I sit or stand there thinking, how much longer can I lose this much and still have hair left on my head?  I have gotten to the point that I hate washing it, I hate brushing it, not because I don't want to take care of it, but because I hope by not messing with it, I can keep it longer.  Silly thinking, I know, but don't we all do some really silly stuff in the name of vanity.  Yes I admit this is probably very vain of me,  but I want to keep my hair.  You know when I was put on Methotrexate the whole, you may lose your hair thing, never bothered me.  I was like, meh, I have plenty of it anyway, I don't have to be worried.  Now I am wondering if I really did indeed have plenty, because even though it doesn't seem to be looking thinner there is so much coming out.  I was crocheting a blanket the other day and thought, hmmm, I should probably apologise for all the hair I have left in this blanket.  At one stage I unraveled part of it, and I had to get the scissors out to cut my hair out of part of it, it was that thick that I had to cut it out...

This is one of those completely silly things. I know in my mind I shouldn't worry about it.  Oh well, I will grumble and so on, and then get over it.  Yes my hair is falling out, but I am living as well as I can with an incurable disease, for which I have to be on low doses of Chemo for the rest of my life, and I am able to participate in things, even though it is only mild participation.  In the grand scheme of things my hair falling out, as annoying and sad as I find it, is not a big deal at all.  I will not let RA win.