RA and Depression Part 2

I can remember once when I was probably 23.  I was sitting in the bathroom/laundry room.  I was crying into dirty clothes.  I didn't know what was wrong with me.  I knew I was depressed.  I knew I couldn't get past the whole weeping thing.  My mom came in and asked me what the problem was.  I thought about it for a minute and realised something, "I looked at her and said I felt like my body had betrayed me."  Within a couple of days I was in the middle of a horrible flare.  The pain was so bad that I almost passed out getting out of the shower.  I had taken one of those midnight showers/bath that I do to try and relieve some of the pain.  I hobbled to my bed after the almost passing out and the next the I remember it was a couple of hours later and I was curled up under my covers still wrapped in my towel.

That is when I started thinking that my depressive episodes were a precursor to a flare.  It didn't happen every time.  Sometimes the flares weren't that bad, but it did happen.  Like so many things with RA you never know what is going to happen.  You have no clue how you may respond to your next flare.  It is one of the many things about RA that leaves me feeling so very hopeless at times.  How do you battle something that you can't predict?  How on earth do you plan a life when you have no idea what you may be able to do the very next day.  This very thing leads to even more depression.  

I still don't know all the answers.  Sometimes I don't think I have any of the answers.  Growing up in the churches I did I was always taught anti-depressants were evil.  It took me a really long time to accept the fact that I needed them.  I couldn't come to grips with the idea that I "wasn't leaning on God" to take care of my depression.  When I was 19 a doctor prescribed me some anti-depressants.  My mother promptly threw the prescription away.  I "prayed" my way through the whole thing.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe God heals.  I also believe that it is okay to take anti-depressants if you need them.  I am not un-Godly because I put my emotional health first.  After my third child I was diagnosed with Post Natal (partum) depression.  My GP suggested an anti-depressant.  It was so very hard for me to fill that script.  In fact it was almost impossible, until I decided that my kids deserved a mom who could function.  I didn't have months to "pray" my way through the depression.  I wanted to be happy.  My kids so deserved a mother that could parent.  It was hard enough the had to have a "disabled" mom who had physical limitations.  

I guess I said all of that to say that we NEED to take care of ALL our health.  There are so many studies and articles out that say there is a large percentage of RA sufferers who are depressed.  Studies also say that our emotional health tends to be forgotten.  I think we as well as our GP's and specialists focus on our RA to the detriment of our emotional health.  It is so very important to have doctors that we can talk freely with.  I remember I had on GP who belittled me.  I went in and told him that I thought my RA might be causing some depression.  He looked at me and said, "That's stupid, you have had RA for years, if it was going to cause depression it would have long before now.  You have three kids, that's the only thing wrong with you.  All you need to do is drop the kids off at your MIL's house and get spend some time away from them and get over it."

It took weeks and my husband refusing to leave me alone out of fear that I would hurt myself to confide in another doctor.  I was so terrified to say what I thought to this Doctor.  He was a doctor who had been wonderful with me.  I trusted him, but because of the other man I just couldn't start.  Ben helped me out there.  I finally told the doctor that I thought my RA was causing depression, if that was possible, He looked me in the eye and said, "Of course it is.  You are always in pain, how could that no upset you?"  I was so relieved and gobsmacked by that.  I then told him how sleeping was next to impossible.  I also said I didn't want to go on a certain anti-depressant because the last time I was on it I got to the point of feeling nothing at all.  So he sat there with me.  Explained that the other med had not been right for my situation and asked if I would be willing to try an "old-school" med.  After a nice long talk with him I agreed.  That was such a good decision for me.  I turned a corner.  At the same time my husband got me into see a counsellor.  This is something I would suggest for ALL RA patients.  It helped me realise so many things.  Like learning that accepting my pain, did not in any way mean I didn't continue to try and get rid of the pain.  See I had this crazy idea that if I accepted the pain it meant I couldn't treat the pain.