Family

So this post is a bit off topic.  I had to get real with myself last night.  With the help of the love of my life and my wonderful husband I did that.

Not sure where to start to be totally honest, so I will start at the beginning.  My father never wanted me to get married.  It meant he was no longer in control of my life.  It was never anything sweet like he was giving his little girl away.  It was pure selfishness on his part.  In fact after Ben called and asked him if he could marry me.  Yes Ben actually did that. My dad got on the phone with me and said, "What he wants to marry YOU." I was just totally devastated by the way he said it.  It hurt more than I ever thought that it would or could.  I moved on, I had a man who wanted to spend his life with me so I was happy.  What my father thought hurt yes, but it was his deal not mine.

After Ben and I had been married for a couple of months my dad told me in no uncertain terms, that if Ben did not fall in line I WOULD kick him out.  He went on to say, you can go visit him anytime you want, but he is not living in that house.  Well that NEVER happened, was NEVER going to happen and the house was tense every single time my dad visited.  Over the next year Ben and I had Belle, our first child.  My dad's attitude got worse, and finally we ended up breaking all ties with him.  Well all ties, except I couldn't afford to have my number changed and my mom called constantly.  Finally in July of 2003 my dad got on the phone with me and told me something I will never forget.  He was unhappy because I wasn't giving my mother free access to my child.  I was not letting him run my life.  He was not welcomed at out home. You get the point.  So he while having a conversation on the phone with me told me, "You are going to loose everything that has ever meant anything to you, and I am going to make sure of it."  That was it for me, it was over from that point on.  I did not have any contact with him, other than when I would call my mother and he would answer the phone.  I wouldn't even say hello to him, basically just said put mom on the phone.

So fast forward a few years.  I'm not saying anything about my mom because that is a whole other blog, or a dozen.  In 2010 my dad was rushed to hospital.  He had, had a heart attack and a complete bowel blockage.  Turned out that he had a tumour in his colon the size of a plum.  The surgeons where able remove the whole tumour.  My dad was in pretty bad shape though.  I had to get updates about him from a cousins Facebook page though.  He had apparently told my mother not to tell me what was going on.  So my mom had my sister call me.  It took me a few days of reading my extended families Facebook and pretty much was on the edge of my seat.  No one from the family called me to tell me my dad was in Renal Failure, read that on Facebook.  A friend of my husbands got me the number of the hospital my dad was in.  When I finally DID get some feedback from the family and was told he could take phone calls I wrestled with myself for hours.  I did end up calling him though.  When he started talking to me, he thought I was my older sister.  I kept trying to tell him, but he was pretty out of it.  SO finally he asked why the nurses wouldn't let her back in.  This is when he figured out that I was not Angie, but was Jackie.  He hung up on me.  Well not exactly, he told me he couldn't talk anymore and that was that.

You know I thought I had moved on from all of this.  I mean, I tried to reach out then.  I had tried to be the good daughter growing up.  I did all "the right" things.  Helped take care of my nephews when my older sister walked out on them.  Was my mom's substitute favourite child, while my sister was gone.  I handled my mother when no one else could.  I gave up my teenage years and early 20's for them.  I lived with them, let them use my name to start a business.  I gave them total control of my life.  To my own detriment.  Then when I tried to have my own life I was thrown away by my own father.  No matter how many GOOD things I did, it was never good enough.  I just never came up to par.  Again I thought I had dealt with it.  Then Saturday my sister called to tell me something.  Now I didn't hear from my family on Belle's birthday.  I didn't hear from my family on our TENTH anniversary.  Haven't heard from them since Christmas when my mom lied and said she was going to send the kids money for Christmas.  Now I don't want the money, I want my mother to be honest about when she is doing and going to do.

So my sister called Saturday morning.  She wanted to let me know, that just in case my dad had called me things were not as bad as he was making them out to be.  She said he doesn't have 6 spots on his lungs and kidney he only has 2.  Oh and  I don't need to worry because the nurse says they are nothing.  On and further more, they have already scheduled the Chemo anyway.  I was like WHAT.  Oh well I let her go on for a while and just went on with my day.  Well that is what I kept telling myself I was doing.  See I didn't realise I was being grumpy.  Poor Belle said something to me about it during the week and I snapped her head off.  I did end up making an apology and giving her a cuddle.  But Wednesday when that happened I realised I wasn't actually copping like I thought I had been.  I broke down with Ben last night and told him how I was feeling...  It was a good thing to do, I needed to do it.  I feel so much better today, and I am hoping I have turned the corner on this.

When are you ever old enough to not let things like this affect you, or are you ever old enough?  I have more to work through, and I am hoping I can do that now.  Especially since I have admitted that it is actually bothering me.  Now I just have to decide if I am going to call my mom or not.  Oh well that doesn't have to be decided today or even this week.  I need to be the best me I can be.  I deserve better than what that part of my family has given me in the past.  I am worth more than being thrown away because I had my own opinion and mind.  It does not matter if my dad doesn't want me in his life, it is his lose.  These are the things I am going to tell myself.  These are my truths right now.  I want to be the best, person, mommy, wife and friend I can be.