When I first KNEW that something was wrong with me I was 19. Now I had been sick a lot as a child. In fact I was in the doctors office every other week with an upper respiratory infection, tonsillitis, or strep throat, and an ear infection. I was there so often that my Doctor and his nurses joked that they were going to paint an examination room for me and put my name on the door. Apparently I would ask for a certain room every time. I can remember getting a shot ever visit and being put on Antibiotics. Once he even threatened to put me on a drip because he and my mom thought I wasn't eating enough.
When I was 16 I had my tonsils out and a surgery on my ear. After that every thing seemed to be going well until I was 19. I was working at Honey Baked Ham and was under a lot of stress. I had a manager that would not quit talking about the size of my breasts and whether or not I had ever had sex. It was stupidly insane, and the moment I mentioned sexual harassment the company started trying to get rid of me. I ended up quitting but the crap stayed with me for a long time. During the time my health started doing funny things. I was always tired, and ached all the time. I felt like I had a permanent case of the flu. I went to a doc and was told that she felt I was only tired and needed to go on anti-depressants. Well my mother being the wonderfully supportive person that she was hid that prescription from me. She didn't want her daughter to ever take those evil from the devil pills. People would think the wrong thing about me if I did. I got the doctor to get me a couple of weeks off of work. When I took that note in my manager, the one who was harassing me tried to refuse me the time off. He was told that legally he couldn't and I would have to be given the time off. Well they did find a way to "write me up" when I got back... I like an idiot believed a fellow employee when she told me she would do my closing duties since I had to leave at 3 instead of 5. Well she didn't and I was written up for it.
Finally like I said, I left that job, it was a nightmare anyway. I started having aches and pains, but didn't say anything cause why bother. The last time I brought it up to a doc she told me I was just depressed. Now around this time in my life I was helping to take care of my sisters oldest son. She had walked out on him and my parents kept him. I was basically the live in nanny. Fun, it was not, but it was life. Stress was the main emotion in my house. My parents were constantly fighting over my sister. I had given up going to University to help raise my nephew. I was not allowed to have a life outside the house. The one time that I tried to have lunch with a friend and go to a movie during the day I was yelled at for over an hour by my mother. She called me selfish and railed on me for ages. Why you might ask? Well because she had to drive herself the 10 minutes it took to get my nephew from school by herself. So I just lived with the symptoms of my disease. Of course at the time I didn't know much about RA. Someone had told me that you could get arthritis at a young age and you could get a blood test to see if you had it. Little did I know what was laying ahead for me. My mom and I started going to a church and I really enjoyed it. I started praise dancing and loved the friends and relationships I developed. It didn't matter to me anymore that I didn't really have a life outside of my parents. They didn't want me to and I had no way to support myself. I was lead to believe that if I did leave I would have to take my nephew with me, and I had no real skills to support us with. If I did anything wrong, my mother would go off. Once, I asked her not to speak badly about my father to me and man did I regret that. She walked half way across the parking lot we were in and yelled at the top of her lungs that I was nothing but a damn bitch who was worthless. Never before had I felt that embarrassed in my life.
Now I will admit we were going to a church that believed in the laying on of hand and prayer. I still to this day believe in prayer and my faith though battered is still alive, even if it is on life support right now. The church we were going to had a split. The pastor that we felt drawn to left and started having a Friday Night Bible Study. We went faithfully and followed him to churches that he preached at on Sundays. We did this for a long time, until he had a church invite him in to have a permanent place for his Friday Night Service. Now I loved this church, and I love the pastor and his wife to this day. Ed if you or Tina ever read this, you held me up at times that I really needed it, and I will always thank God for bringing you into my life. I had a place to dance and talk. A place where I was not looked at as a child. Every church friend until this time had known me since I was 4 and still looked at me as a child. None of them would or could see me as a young adult. Needless to say it was hard. I was helping to raise a child and had no outlet with people who thought that I was even an adult. Ed and Tina Hendrix changed that for me.
During these bible studies I was introduced to a woman who had RA. At the time I didn't know what I had such a need to pray for this woman. At every service she would be brought up and prayed for. I can remember having such a NEED to be there every time praying over her and with her. I was so deep in me that I needed to be that. Again at the time I had no idea why. She had claw hands and walked with a limp. At least that is what I remember the most about her physical proof of her RA.
SO slowly my symptoms came on. After a couple years of the fatigue and aches we were heading to Florida on a trip. Now my mother had to go on a Vacation every 4 months. It was basically the only way anyone could live with her. If we pushed that trip to 5 month between she started picking fights with my dad and refusing to eat. I remember stopping at a gas station to check the air pressure on my tires. I knelled down to check and something happened to my left knee. The pain was so intense that I very nearly passed out. It took weeks to get it back to normal where I could walk again. Then things would start happening, like I would wake up and my hand would be clawed. I would have to run it under hot water and force it open. In hindsight, that probably wasn't the best thing I could have done for my body, but I did it, time after time. I would be walking and my foot would snap or something and feel like it was broken in half. So this went on til I was 24 I think. The time lines are so fuzzy for me. I can remember once my dad looked at me and told me he thought I was just "allergic" to work. He had me take a golf cart apart and the next day I couldn't even move. In fact about 6 months went by with my not being able to get out of bad. My sister decided I needed to go to her doctor. I had no insurance and didn't want to go. Well apparently I was so bad off that my parents insisted. I told her doc about all my symptoms and he said I needed to be tested for RA. So he did the blood test. I was to go back in a week to get my results.
The day I went back for them I was made to wait for over 3 hours. I finally got so frustrated that I just left without getting my results. When I got home I called the office and spoke to the doctors nurse. I begged her for my results. She wouldn't give them to me, but after I explained that I had been there so long and still didn't know she got permission to give them to me.
There is was, I got the diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis... I was pretty bad at this stage. There were things I didn't even realise. Like my parents had noticed I couldn't use my fingers very well anymore. Well my parents got home from wherever they went that fateful day. My dad sat down across from me and asked WELL. I looked at him and said "I have Rheumatoid Arthritis". I swear I will never forget the look he gave me and the sound of his voice when he said "Of course you do" anyone could tell that.
I was like, HUH, you just not two weeks ago accused me of "pretending" to be "allergic to work"
So then came living my life with a diagnosis I could do absolutely nothing about.
No comments:
Post a Comment