Looking for the silver lining

One thing that in the past I have not been great at is seeing the positive in life.  I am trying to turn over a new leaf in this regard.  I do not want to see my life as a meaningless, horrible, pain filled existence.  I want to live my life to the fullest and enjoy my family.  I love my children and my husband.  I want to be the best mother and wife I can be.  Having RA makes that difficult but not impossible.

The thing is that YES having RA means there are things I can not do.  Yes I can't play all the games other parents play.  I can't run around or even fill up every day of the school holidays and weekends.  I try to choose a couple of activities over a two week holiday and enjoy those times.  On the days we stay home we do other things. We watch movies, do scrap booking, cook, and just fill up the days at home.

My kids know a mommy who can't do a lot, but who love them.  They have to help out mommy, and sometimes get fed up with it.  You know what though?  My kids never point at the disabled people. At my daughters old school one of the other children's father was in a wheel chair.  Belle my oldest never noticed the wheel chair.  She didn't notice that there was something different about the man or the daughter.  The little girl didn't have to answer all the question's that everyone else in the class had.  It was what it was, and it was not something to be talked about or scared over.  My children know people come in all different shapes and sizes and that some people can do things others can't.  It is just daily life for them.

Having RA can suck big time, but it can also make you stop and smell the flowers.  Those of us with RA are forced to slow down.  We are forced to stop and rest, how many people willingly give themselves the right or chance to do that.  We have a life that in so many ways is taken away from us.  Yet despite that we have the right, and the ability to make the new life we have better.  No we may not accomplish all the things we dreamt that we would.  We may not have the life that we always wanted,  but we can have a good one none the less.  We can have wonderful special time with our children and loved one, without having to go out.

I found my silver lining, and I will hold onto it.  On the bad days I will try and see that silver lining no matter how bad things gets.

Ah the fun of MTX

Okay so I have to preface this by saying my original Rheumy felt that my reaction to MTX warranted NOT continuing the treatment.

In Australia, Medicare will pay for your treatment (mostly) if you go by certain criteria.  I have run out of biologicals that they don't require you to be on MTX to subsidise.

So when I went on Orencia I had to start on MTX AGAIN.

What was my reaction?

Well not what most people experience.

I had hallucination!!!

YEP, let the fun begin.

So I knew that I would most likely have them and had a few the first few weeks.  Recently you can add weird dreams to the list of crap I have to deal with, with the MTX.

So what kind of hallucinations?

Well in the last week I have seen, my husband hop out of bed and start searching the bed for something he apparently lost, didn't happen.

I have seen an owl over my bed staring at me during the middle of the night, I'm gonna let you guess if that one happened.

I have seen a dark little person figure standing at out bedroom door.  Thought this one was our son, and asked him  if everything was alright, he wasn't there.

So those are the ones that stick out most in my memory.

Lets not forget about those waking dreams thing where I swear I have done something that I haven't.  Like this morning I could have sworn I put the dog in the laundry room.  She usually sleeps in there so as to not have accidents in the house at night.  I even actually checked the time.  When I got up a couple of hours later, she was in bed with my daughter, the dog.

So I get to continue my hate/hate relationship with MTX.  On top of that now I am having constant cramps and can't go too far from a toilet.  I am hoping that is more a bug than a reaction though.

When these hallucinations first happened I went to my hubbies GP.  I told him what happened.  I thought a flower in my room was a teeny tiny itty bitty dragon, don't ask cause I have not idea.  Then every time I looked at a towel we had hanging on our wall, it is a really pretty towel with a wolf on it, I could have sworn that wolves ear was eating it's head.  Well the very rude, meanie head, poopy doctor said, "Are you sure you didn't get drunk?'  No I don't drink ever at all, never have.  "You Sure?"  Needless to say I told my Rheumy about it, and he said, yep that is a reaction to the MTX lets not take that anymore.

So if your GP or Specialist or anyone tells you, you can't have that particular reaction, they don't know squat!!!

Busy Busy Busy

Been a few busy days for our little family.  The children are on school holidays until next Tuesday.  I have been having fun with them.  Well last week, this week we have been hanging out at home.  I have been hit with really bad fatigue this week, no wonder why.  I have really enjoyed being able to do things with them this school holidays though.  I do say though, that I don't wanna see anymore 3D movies cause they give me a bad headache.

Well got a call from my Rheumy.  Not sure what is going on but I have to go see her next Wed.  Will find out what is going on with my medications and blood work then.  I have a feeling it probably isn't good news.  Every other time it has been good news she just forwarded  my new prescriptions to me.  Oh well worrying about it won't change anything so I will jut try to keep my mind off of it.  Will know next Wed. afternoon what is going on anyway.  If I have to try a new med I have to try a new med.  Such is life.  I am going to take the good with the bad.  At the moment I feel okay.  I think my attitude has more to do with it than anything else though.  I am in pain, and I am exhausted but I am good.  I have a wonderful family and a rood over my head.  In the long run things are good.  :-)  I am going to be devoting or trying to devote more time to myself soon.  Next year maybe :-D, when all three kids are in school.  When my youngest goes back to pre-school in two weeks things with be getting a  bit more hectic for us.  I will be taking him in for half a day on Tuesdays so he doesn't miss as much.  He has  only been going in for Mondays this past term since we live so far from the school now.  On the last day of the term I decided to try and make it where he can go more often.  It will mean a lot of driving on Tuesdays but my little man is worth it.  It may also be worth it to cut out the playgroup where a mother keeps bringing her kid and herself despite have contagious illnesses.  I swear in the 4 weeks I went I was exposed to more than in 3 years of the kids being in primary school.  How the heck is that even possible?